Cheryl McClary
“Cheryl has found the secret to developing an intimate, fulfilling marriage. She shares that secret with warmth, wisdom and humor.” -- Andie MacDowell, Actress
After years of marriage women often feel lost within their own relationship, dissatisfied with their partner, and are left feeling as though divorce or separation may be the only solution.
In fact, the days are gone, when a woman will put up with anything to keep a man. A new face requires that a woman be strong, independent, happy for herself, and happy to be herself—constantly journeying toward Real Love and wholeness.
Drawing on her experiences and personal evolution in her twenty-three year marriage, as well as twenty years as a woman's health expert, attorney, country music songwriter, and judge, Dr. Cheryl McClary offers women techniques in owning their future, exploring and developing their own identity, nourishing their mind and body, building self-confidence, and re-shaping their relationships with men into healthy, happy, mutually beneficial relationships.
Cheryl McClary, Ph.D., J.D., Professor of Women’s Health at the University of North Carolina Asheville, has lectured and written extensively for professional and consumer publications on the issues that prevent relationships from flourishing. She resides in Asheville, North Carolina with her husband of 23 years.
MOST REQUESTED TOPICS:
The Journey from Surreal to Real Love
As children grow up and learn painful lessons, they gradually suppress and repress parts of themselves. As we go through our teens and twenties, most of us are carrying a heavy load of baggage; full of all those times he didn’t call, those times your fiancé danced with your roommate more than you, and most importantly; those unfortunate, wounding times of being verbally, emotionally, and/or physically assaulted, molested, and made to feel unworthy of receiving love. Any love we have for ourselves by this time is shattered and broken. I call it “Surreal Love.” By the time we reach adulthood, we forget, deny, or find it too painful to acknowledge this wounding, much less begin to heal it. Relationships based on Surreal Love appear to be a quick fix, but it’s impossible to depend on someone else for your happiness. To be able to have Real Love, you have to do the work necessary to heal your woundedness and get the tools you need to make your primitive, survival-instinct brain feel safe. Only then will it send an “all clear” message to your new brain and give you the gift of seeing your partner (or potential partner) logically and rationally. In other words, you can fall in love with their Real attributes. If you don’t do this, you are doomed to Surreal Love. The main reason marriages fail is when two partners get married and stay in Surreal Love.
Dr. McClary is the first to actually provide a “map” of how to navigate the difficult issues that must be dealt with before truly finding and understanding Real Love for oneself and then realizing that only from this emotional level can Real Love be found for another. It is the most difficult yet rewarding journey anyone can take. But it is only through this journey to Real Love that we humans begin to emotionally heal, grow towards wholeness, and become empowered and strong enough to form Real Love relationships—the kind that will last forever.
No One Can Make a Woman Feel Inferior Without Her Permission
One of the most important parts of finding Real Love is seeing the reality of your own relationships and then accepting responsibility for your participation. Many women, without realizing it, give their spouses implicit permission to make them feel bad about themselves by silently internalizing criticism. This in turn breeds self-doubt, and self-doubt will prevent self-wellness every time. Dr. McClary identified several self-destructive patterns that are common to other women, such as a lifelong pattern of looking to others to validate her and tell her who she is, and the belief that if she could be the person others want her to be, then she would be loved. These women realized that instead of feeling empowered, they felt emotionally exhausted. Dr. McClary refers to this as an internalized “Female Code of Conduct: To be unselfish and nice, pleasing everyone but herself; to be obsessed with looking good rather than treating her body and mind with respect; to fear upsetting or imposing on others, particularly when such behavior doesn’t meet an idealized standard; and to be super responsible and trustworthy, except when it comes to herself. ” This kind of “conduct code” traps women in Surreal Love. This type of love is one of the top 5 causes of depression in women. In one break-out session,(3-5) hours in length, Dr. McClary can promise that every member of the session will leave as a whole, self-validated, empowered woman!
RADS
Relationship Attention Deficit Syndrome
RADS poses great health risks to our society. Yes, you heard me correctly, RADS—Relationship Attention Deficit Disorder. It occurs when your spouse appears to be listening but is actually paying no attention whatsoever. He has selective hearing and communication with you, and understands only those things he deems necessary. He can understand quantum physics and intricate football plays, but when you begin to talk, you barely get eye contact, much less verbal responses. Unfortunately, this communication disorder is quite common. But the good news is—You can fix it!
By combining some imagination and love you can learn to communicate effectively and then teach your man by example, and he won’t even know you are helping him evolve. To effectively treat RADS in my relationship, I had to 1) devise new ways of getting my man’s attention and 2) present a clear and precise plan of action. . Don’t even think of trying to explain to him why and how you feel the way you do, at least not yet. And don’t waste energy analyzing him because it can come across as critical. (He does not want to play Freud.) Instead proceed slowly. You have to speak his language by appealing to his 5 senses. It must be a communication that he can see, hear, smell, touch, or taste.
Begin by offering one of his favorite snacks, (so he can at least chomp loudly on some chips when he’s nervous). This will lower his defenses and stimulate his sight, smell and taste. Try not to read anything into his silence, and remain calm yourself. Sit across from him, looking directly in his eyes, and begin to speak with “I” statements. (Instead of saying, “You are not paying attention to me,” try to say, “Maybe I’m not communicating clearly what I want you to know.”) Communicating in “I” statements gets your point across without seeming critical. Never, never, never physically or verbally point your finger at him. Simply communicate your needs and desires and ask if he would like to share his thoughts with you. Keep your message clear and on track. Even if you feel like you should be defensive, keep reminding yourself that you are in control of this situation. Always stick to the bottom line and never deviate from the core message you want him to understand. It can even help to write down the thoughts you want him to pay attention to. Follow up the conversation with ‘feel good’ reminders that he can see. You can leave little notes in his wallet, car, briefcase, etc. Eventually he’ll catch on. Above all else, practice these skills until they are second nature. Be inventive and have a great time, but remember that you may have to do this several times before he catches on. But believe me, he will. By the end of this session, whatever you want to communicate is a “done deal!”
“Cheryl has found the secret to developing an intimate, fulfilling marriage. She shares that secret with warmth, wisdom and humor.” -- Andie MacDowell, Actress
After years of marriage women often feel lost within their own relationship, dissatisfied with their partner, and are left feeling as though divorce or separation may be the only solution.
In fact, the days are gone, when a woman will put up with anything to keep a man. A new face requires that a woman be strong, independent, happy for herself, and happy to be herself—constantly journeying toward Real Love and wholeness.
Drawing on her experiences and personal evolution in her twenty-three year marriage, as well as twenty years as a woman's health expert, attorney, country music songwriter, and judge, Dr. Cheryl McClary offers women techniques in owning their future, exploring and developing their own identity, nourishing their mind and body, building self-confidence, and re-shaping their relationships with men into healthy, happy, mutually beneficial relationships.
Cheryl McClary, Ph.D., J.D., Professor of Women’s Health at the University of North Carolina Asheville, has lectured and written extensively for professional and consumer publications on the issues that prevent relationships from flourishing. She resides in Asheville, North Carolina with her husband of 23 years.
MOST REQUESTED TOPICS:
The Journey from Surreal to Real Love
As children grow up and learn painful lessons, they gradually suppress and repress parts of themselves. As we go through our teens and twenties, most of us are carrying a heavy load of baggage; full of all those times he didn’t call, those times your fiancé danced with your roommate more than you, and most importantly; those unfortunate, wounding times of being verbally, emotionally, and/or physically assaulted, molested, and made to feel unworthy of receiving love. Any love we have for ourselves by this time is shattered and broken. I call it “Surreal Love.” By the time we reach adulthood, we forget, deny, or find it too painful to acknowledge this wounding, much less begin to heal it. Relationships based on Surreal Love appear to be a quick fix, but it’s impossible to depend on someone else for your happiness. To be able to have Real Love, you have to do the work necessary to heal your woundedness and get the tools you need to make your primitive, survival-instinct brain feel safe. Only then will it send an “all clear” message to your new brain and give you the gift of seeing your partner (or potential partner) logically and rationally. In other words, you can fall in love with their Real attributes. If you don’t do this, you are doomed to Surreal Love. The main reason marriages fail is when two partners get married and stay in Surreal Love.
Dr. McClary is the first to actually provide a “map” of how to navigate the difficult issues that must be dealt with before truly finding and understanding Real Love for oneself and then realizing that only from this emotional level can Real Love be found for another. It is the most difficult yet rewarding journey anyone can take. But it is only through this journey to Real Love that we humans begin to emotionally heal, grow towards wholeness, and become empowered and strong enough to form Real Love relationships—the kind that will last forever.
No One Can Make a Woman Feel Inferior Without Her Permission
One of the most important parts of finding Real Love is seeing the reality of your own relationships and then accepting responsibility for your participation. Many women, without realizing it, give their spouses implicit permission to make them feel bad about themselves by silently internalizing criticism. This in turn breeds self-doubt, and self-doubt will prevent self-wellness every time. Dr. McClary identified several self-destructive patterns that are common to other women, such as a lifelong pattern of looking to others to validate her and tell her who she is, and the belief that if she could be the person others want her to be, then she would be loved. These women realized that instead of feeling empowered, they felt emotionally exhausted. Dr. McClary refers to this as an internalized “Female Code of Conduct: To be unselfish and nice, pleasing everyone but herself; to be obsessed with looking good rather than treating her body and mind with respect; to fear upsetting or imposing on others, particularly when such behavior doesn’t meet an idealized standard; and to be super responsible and trustworthy, except when it comes to herself. ” This kind of “conduct code” traps women in Surreal Love. This type of love is one of the top 5 causes of depression in women. In one break-out session,(3-5) hours in length, Dr. McClary can promise that every member of the session will leave as a whole, self-validated, empowered woman!
RADS
Relationship Attention Deficit Syndrome
RADS poses great health risks to our society. Yes, you heard me correctly, RADS—Relationship Attention Deficit Disorder. It occurs when your spouse appears to be listening but is actually paying no attention whatsoever. He has selective hearing and communication with you, and understands only those things he deems necessary. He can understand quantum physics and intricate football plays, but when you begin to talk, you barely get eye contact, much less verbal responses. Unfortunately, this communication disorder is quite common. But the good news is—You can fix it!
By combining some imagination and love you can learn to communicate effectively and then teach your man by example, and he won’t even know you are helping him evolve. To effectively treat RADS in my relationship, I had to 1) devise new ways of getting my man’s attention and 2) present a clear and precise plan of action. . Don’t even think of trying to explain to him why and how you feel the way you do, at least not yet. And don’t waste energy analyzing him because it can come across as critical. (He does not want to play Freud.) Instead proceed slowly. You have to speak his language by appealing to his 5 senses. It must be a communication that he can see, hear, smell, touch, or taste.
Begin by offering one of his favorite snacks, (so he can at least chomp loudly on some chips when he’s nervous). This will lower his defenses and stimulate his sight, smell and taste. Try not to read anything into his silence, and remain calm yourself. Sit across from him, looking directly in his eyes, and begin to speak with “I” statements. (Instead of saying, “You are not paying attention to me,” try to say, “Maybe I’m not communicating clearly what I want you to know.”) Communicating in “I” statements gets your point across without seeming critical. Never, never, never physically or verbally point your finger at him. Simply communicate your needs and desires and ask if he would like to share his thoughts with you. Keep your message clear and on track. Even if you feel like you should be defensive, keep reminding yourself that you are in control of this situation. Always stick to the bottom line and never deviate from the core message you want him to understand. It can even help to write down the thoughts you want him to pay attention to. Follow up the conversation with ‘feel good’ reminders that he can see. You can leave little notes in his wallet, car, briefcase, etc. Eventually he’ll catch on. Above all else, practice these skills until they are second nature. Be inventive and have a great time, but remember that you may have to do this several times before he catches on. But believe me, he will. By the end of this session, whatever you want to communicate is a “done deal!”
